Foamy The Squirrel
by writingtitan
Summary: It gets updated every week illwillpress . com Get rid of spaces. An original Johnathon Ian Mather's creation. You can find old episodes on you tube. Ill update this now and then. Humorous, opinionated cartoon. Thought I'd publish the script.
1. Dating Advice

This is going to be dating advice from the lord & master...FOAMY!

Alright you women out there, listen closely. These guys you should look out for, the type of guy who is driving around listening to fucking dance music like Zombie Nation and stupid dumb ass songs from the mid 90's that no body gives a shit about. Y'know they turn it up really loud to get your attention while driving by as if your going to throw yourself on top of the car and start pounding on the windshield and say "Oh, I love you because your playing Zombie Nation!" Yeah okay. What the fuck ever. What you do is, aim for the tires and fucking blow those shits out and then he will crash into a telephone pole.

Fuck that shit, and watch out for those guys who come over on the weekend and all they do is watch football and then every five minutes they say "Hey babe, can you get me a beer from the fridge?" Fuck that shit! Tell that fat bastard to get up and get it himself. If he gives you a response like "well, I work all week" Well, you know what? I'm sure most of you women out there work all week and have to take care of a fucking child. Tell this fat bastard to get up and get his own beer. Tell him it's the least you can do since you've been carrying a child around in your stomach for nine months. These lazy fucking bastards just fucking piss me off and watch out for guys that call you by pet names more than they do your own name, and if they ever refer to you as "my girl" you drop that fucker like a rock and not to get down on all you guys.

Don't worry; there are women you should be looking out for too. Alright, like women that dress like damn sluts, you don't want to be affiliated with. If you can see more cleavage than a plumbers, ass don't get involved, it's just going to cause problems when you decide to become possessive and domineering over their life.

Also watch out for women that wear expensive jewelry. You know, the kind of fucking bitch that has 15 different kinds of rings on each finger. Oh, and people with name plates. You know, these fucking women who have their names on this little chain as if they'd fucking forget and then women who have their own name tattooed on their own body. It's just stupid. Like are they really THAT stupid that they wake up in the morning and say "Oh my god! What's my name?" and they have to look at their ass in the mirror to find out who they are, "Oh that's right, I'm Amy." give me a fucking break! You don't want to deal with women who doesn't know who they are. Oh, and here is a good test when your window shopping, if they pull you by your arm to a jewelry window, smash their hand into the window and run because you don't want to deal with some money hungry bitch.

My only piece of advice to have a sound relationship is to leave each other alone. Don't be overly concerned. Don't try to domineer them, Let them be independent. Let them do what they want. You think you people can understand that? but yeah, there are some reasons to be suspicious. Like if your girl friend walks in the room with a condom on her head then you know you may want to ask a few questions but other than that try to trust the individual. If it doesn't work out, you know what? Fuck them! Let them drop dead from some weird disease. And die. You're better than that and you don't have to validate yourself through another person's life. Every individual is an island and can be an island. You do not need a significant other to live life. So stop seeking something that isn't there and move on.

Suckers.


	2. Biggest Fear

Foamy: Hey what's your biggest fear

Foamy: Hey what's your biggest fear?

Germaine: what's yours?

Foamy: I asked you first.

Germaine: um I think my biggest fear is having the world blow up cos idiotic politicians can't come to a simple agreement of leaving each other alone

Foamy: Pwft, how typical of teen angst, blah

Germaine: well what's yours?

Foamy: exploding teeth!!

Germaine: what??

Foamy: you know how stuff shrinks and expands when it comes in contact with hot or cold?

Germaine: yea??

Foamy: my biggest fear is eating ice cream and then drinking hot coffee and having my teeth explode due to the extreme change of temperature!! Kinda like when you clean out a hot glass coffee pot with cold water, sometimes they shatter

Germaine: Get the fuck out of here!!

Foamy: seriously I knew a squirrel that had hot cocoa then had an ice coffee, and then all of his teeth blew up in his head. It was horrible!!

Germaine: Teeth don't explode!!

Foamy: Didn't you ever take a science class in that god awful school you go to?

Germaine: yea, but we didn't cover exploding teeth one o one

Foamy: nice, what a waste of tuition, how are you going to get through life if you don't learn of the exploding teeth, ha??

Germaine: it's not that important

Foamy: fine, one day, you'll be in a power meeting, at some book publisher, trying to get your lame poetry published when all of a sudden you'll have a sip of coffee and then realize you're starting to get warm, so you take a sip of ice water and BAMM!! Your teeth explode and there's plaque and filling all over the board room, you'll see

Germaine: I'm sure I will

Foamy: Oh you will, you will, ha


	3. Squirrel Songs

Song one:

Song one:  
Here's a message to those who don't like  
you can all just bite me  
I don't care what you say or think  
you walk around like your shit don't stink  
I am...Foamy  
obey  
I am Foamy you must obey

Song Two:  
Everyone hates you here  
no one likes you my dear  
you fawned over yourself  
as if you knew despair  
im opening old wounds and pouring salt in there  
cryptic hidden messages for someone over there  
we hate you  
we hate you  
we hate you  
hmmmmm...mmmmm  
drop dead

Song Three:  
I am Foamy, you don't know me but you will obey  
I do not trust you  
I don't believe a word you say  
how could you say your right when you live a life so wrong  
you contradict yourself  
so ill write another squirrel song again :  
your so ugly  
so butt ugly  
why wont you die  
I would like to stab you in the eye with a really hot french fry  
you never shut up  
what the fucks up with your chosen path  
your so stupid  
ill have to open a can of squirrelly whup ass  
open a can of squirrelly whup ass  
open a can of squirrelly whup ass


	4. Letter To Santa

Dear Santa or guy known for his beard

This letters from foamy with squirrelly cheer!! Most people would start by asking for stuff, but not this little squirrel I have more then enough. Though this year I ask for a simple request, I know you're just Santa but give your best. As seasons go by we grow greater complaints, of seeing all kinds of Jesus statues and saints. For Christmas id like to joy it once true without liberal schmucks burning pictures of you. Some don't like Christmas and I can't really see why? We get to eat turkey, get presents and pie. Pena might not like the turkeys of course but gifts for the masses, how is that wrong? Folks who hate Christmas scream tolerance for all but in tolerate difference when it's right out there door. They bitch and complain about Christmas in town while the Norse and Quanza are on the school grounds. It's a known double standard both simple and true, so I've devised a solution especially for you. I know you give coal to those who are naughty but may I suggest something more sporting. I would lace candies with minty fresh poison and give them to morons so they can enjoy them. What better way to put this issue to rest, then get rid of those whiners with candies of death!! So forget all the toys and stuff on my wish list, I just want to have an enjoyable Christmas!! But of course if you find room on your sleigh for a treat, cream cheese is good and bagels are neat. That's all from the Foamy and Ill see you real soon, and make sure you bring candies, I have morons here too!!

Signed your lord and master

Foamy


End file.
